By Nathaniel Nelson
Look, I get it: a lady used the wrong email address so we elected a clinically unstable pseudo-dictator. Fine. I believe we as a citizenry can deal with the questionable ideology, bad policy, and evil in this government. But what really sticks in my craw? The annoyingness. Those who talk big about equality and pretend not to notice when it’s taken away. When you read an Ayn Rand book in college and you need everyone to know it. Because sometimes, it’s not about what you do, but how you do it—Republicans have been doing Trump-like things for a while now, but it took a particularly annoying man to bring it all to popular attention. To be clear, Trump’s got people at all levels doing hurtful things, but some in particular have that unique ability to raise our blood pressure, get us to shout out loud to ourselves in the dark at home, and throw stuff at our televisions. This article is for those people. Below, we’ve ranked not necessarily the worst, dumbest, or most diabolical (though there’s significant crossover in any and all of these categories), but the most annoying members of Trump’s cabinet.
Ben Carson (Secretary of Housing and Urban Development), whose full qualifications for his job seem to be growing up in his childhood home.
Rick Perry (Secretary of Energy), the climate change denier running our energy department.
Rex Tillerson (Secretary of State), the nap queen.
Mike Flynn (ex-National Security Advisor) who got booted too early to make the cut.
6. Steven Mnuchin (Secretary of the Treasury)
Oh, the promise wasted. I really thought Steven was the good one. He made Lego Batman! Mnuchin’s a Hollywood financier, and one of those guys who you know is into some weird stuff, but his eventual damning personal scandal hasn’t leaked yet. Though he’s yet to debut his inevitable future super-rich-loving tax overhaul, ‘Nuch makes the cut for his recent ultra-uncomfortable, DPRK-style, Trump-as-supreme-leader gem of a quote.
5. Tom Price (Secretary of Health and Human Services)
Timmy Price, whose healthcare is not nice! Price wouldn’t be the first Republican to want to repeal Obamacare and replace it with something that excludes everyone health insurance is supposed to help. For that, he’s only as annoying as the rest of his chums. But his American Health Care Act was some especially weak sauce. If you’re going to talk big game, at least come to play. Price is the Meek Mill of politics.
4. Jeff Sessions (Attorney General)
The first ever statute-of-limitations racist, I guess? Jeff Sessions was too racist to be confirmed as an Alabama state attorney back in the ‘70s but, somehow, he’s alright to run our nation’s legal system in 2017. Given his ridiculous statements, this longtime senator might rank higher on our list, but he gains some points for his innocent, boyish smile. I mean, come on!
3. Betsy DeVos (Secretary of Education)
The consensus number one seed for the Annoyingness Rankings, Betsy DeVos is a victim of her own celebrity. Sure it’s annoying that you and I are more intelligent than the woman running our nation’s education system, and probably equally qualified. But she garnered so much attention that it allowed all her annoying colleagues to fly a bit more under the radar. I mean, Rick Perry is the goddamn energy secretary! Where’s the resistance on that one? Talk about a media narrative—DeVos became more of a convenient distraction than the national disaster she was made out to be. She deserves all the wrath she’s received, but not at the expense of the others. Thus, she comes in at number three.
2. Scott Pruitt (Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency)
An exciting, come-from-behind surge from the dark horse of Trump’s annoying cabinet! Scott Pruitt, a Republican and longtime armchair for rich assholes, truly sucks. Recently he’s added to his repertoire a Kellyanne Conway-style rhetoric, where you’ll ask him about the environment and he ends up talking about “freedom”—by way of introduction, check out this video. You know you’re on some evil flow when, even though most people don’t know who you are, you still ask for a personal security force. He is to environmental protection what termites are to your house. He’s literally anti-clean water! When we’re all dying from climate change, just picture Pruitt’s dumb face in the rising tides, forest fires, and burning sun.
1. Mike Pence (Vice President)
You know the only thing worse than Satan? Satan’s PR guy. Mike Pence is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, making him the most annoying member of the entire administration (even more than his boss, who at least has the excuses of potential mental health issues, old age, and being raised by an evil father). The notion that there are people in this country who see Mike Pence as an upstanding citizen, a model of the good ol’ American male ideal, is so eternally annoying. This man will rattle off Christian values and then defend his boss’ indisputably amoral actions and statements in two consecutive sentences, then spout some bigotry of his own in the third. If you were to boil down all that’s wrong with the United States of America, put it in a pot, mix it up and then give it a suit and two loafers, it’d be Mike Fucking Pence. Goddamn, this guy is so annoying!
Nathaniel Nelson (N8) is a filmmaker and writer.
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