By Nathaniel Nelson
Have you ever walked into a job interview a little nervous and left frazzled, sweating, and wearing weird underwear that says “JOHN” on the strap? You’re not John! Below we’ve laid out some tips for succeeding in the job market and avoiding wayward undergarments along the way. As Karl Marx once famously wrote: “Workingmen of all countries, unite [behind these expert job search tips from your buddies at Friends of Friends]!”
1. Feel free to exaggerate the extent to which you are a mixed martial arts champion on your résumé.
People love hiring athletes, especially Olympians. Mention casually that you won bronze in wrestling in Rio—if you say gold, the employer may suspect you’re lying.
2. Dress not for the job you have, but for the job your interviewer has, so they know not to mess with you.
This one’s a real boss move. Establish your alpha status in the room immediately by challenging your interviewer’s livelihood.
3. Consume raw meat the morning of your interview.
It’s always a good idea to have some protein the morning of your big day. For maximal efficiency, suck the life force from the flesh of a dead animal. You are the king of the jungle. (Best with a glass of OJ.)
4. Dominate the handshake.
Have you ever wondered why managers at corporations never do any work? It’s because their hands can’t type anymore due to the many years of forceful handshakes. The higher their medical bill the better.
5. Gaze into your interviewer’s soul.
Don’t just look your interviewer in the eye—find the vulnerability within their core and drain it like fucking OxiClean.
6. Follow up with a ransom note.
One of the most underrated means of setting yourself apart from other candidates, and a really great way to incentivize an employer to give into your demands. Whenever possible, create the note out of various magazine letter cutouts messily glued together.
7. Confidence is key.
If you follow the above steps you’ll land that dream job in no time, so don’t sweat it!
Nathaniel Nelson (N8) is a filmmaker and writer.
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